If you follow my blog then you already know that I’m not in a relationship. I’m not big on dating at the moment and I am very straightforward about stopping a guy in his tracks when he starts to bust a move on me. When I first moved to Bangalore and started to socialize, the task of stopping a guy who was making a move was actually quite a fun and simple task because it was always done face-to-face. I was never mean or rude but I don’t waste time dilly dallying around my point either because all I generally want to do is get back to having fun with my friends. {{Although to be 100% honest, I was at a fabulous birthday party at SKYYE (in Bangalore @ UB City) on Saturday night and a South African cricket player here batting for one of the European teams in the CLT20 Champion’s League came up and started talking to me and I didn’t send him packing.}}
But something changed recently. I am still going out and hitting the town but those face-to-face guys aren’t really the problem anymore. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they are still there and still try to work their magic on me and other ladies throughout the night. And yes, it’s still fun to give my little “thanks but no thanks” speech periodically. But the face-to-face guys have been defeated by the cyber guys who outnumber the face-to-face men in town. And MAN are they aggressive!
Cyber guys combine the inexplicable over-confidence of today’s Indian man with the aggressiveness and persistence that is only gained through wearing a mask of safe anonymity – or in this case by approaching a woman through an email address instead of face-to-face.
You see, a few months ago I added a new email address to my blog so that I could be contacted. I also registered my blog with expat blog sites some time ago. Then last but not least, I setup a Facebook Page for “Angela’s Adventures In Bangalore” and at the persistence of my dear friend who works at Facebook in Hyderabad, I have been good about adding new content and photos (although my friend would say it’s still not enough content, I think Mom would say it’s plenty!). So between my blog email account and the private messaging features in Facebook and ExpatBlog.com, I am now basically accessible online to anyone, anywhere, 24/7.
For the most part, it’s been lovely to receive mail periodically from all types of people all around the world who fell onto my blog by chance and either adore India, live here or did, or are moving soon to Bangalore and have a few questions. I always reply to every single one. But on top of those mails, I am now the recipient on average of 2-3 daily “busta move” mails from men – and even a couple of boys by the looks of their photos, haha.
When I left the U.S. close to a decade ago to move to Europe again, the Internet dating thing was just taking off at full speed. A dear friend of mine is actually a HUGE supporter of the Internet dating phenomenon and his stories of the processes and procedures and systematic approaches used to funnel down to “your perfect date” potential and then partner is mind-blowing to me. First, I can’t get my head around how you can truly get a feel for someone without seeing them in person and sizing them up. Their confidence, their good looks and style, the way they communicate and their intellect…I just couldn’t do it online. Well, never say never I suppose but so far its way too foreign a concept for me.
So whenever I receive emails with invites to meet I reply with a kind “thanks but I don’t make plans with people I don’t know but please come up and say hi if you ever see me around town” message and thank them for taking the time to contact me and I hope they’ll take care. Yet in my experience that just fuels their fire and they come back trying to instantaneously change me. I have received dozens of replies from one particular gentleman who wants to educate me and teach me new things and insists that I am going to be a better person from our knowing one another and simply won’t take no for an answer. EXC– — USE ME? I am 100% positive he would not be so arrogant and persistent if we were stood face-to-face and I had my friends behind me supporting MY CHOICE to say no.
I receive mails about how I will be happier in a relationship, happier if I meet new people because my “don’t make plans with people I don’t know” concept is limiting me. It’s insane. This is what I assume is their jazzy line to try to make me think “ahhhh, YES…that guy is right and I’ve been wrong my whole life”!!! Come to Mama!
My guess is that women in India are accustomed to dealing with being hit on online but I’m just not. This is truly a new experience for me. I think women here are more familiar with it because – from what I understand – arranged marriages are now a much more modern affair and the process begins with selection and dating websites instead of with Moms and other family members using word of mouth. So perhaps Indian women don’t see anything strange in being approached online? There was an article last week on this topic on The-NRI.com about how many times in India dating now starts online on sites like Facebook or through friends.
Men in India try all number of things online. Now, on a positive note, I really wish the face-to-face guys were even half as inventive because they would probably go much farther in making a connection with the ladies than simply by using tired pickup lines like “hey, where you from?” which is so, so, so generic that no woman could feel special hearing that as an opening line. ((hmmm…maybe I should hold workshops for men on how to approach women??))
The three tactics I have observed most often by Cyber Dudes are:
- POKE on Facebook. I’m sorry but what the hell should a woman do with a poke? I see it, I click to see if I know the guy. I realise I have no idea who he is and so I delete the poke. Not really sure what else to do. To me, this is the most non-evasive and gentle of the Cyber Dude approaches. It’s sort of like a wink or a smile from across the bar at a club. If a women then winks or smiles back the guy can walk over and talk to her but if she does nothing then they will stop there and move on.
- Private message. Whether on FB or the ExpatBlog.com, for me these messages just don’t work. Typically these messages are full of lots of details about who the man is, about his family, info about where he lives or why he’s reaching out. And they always have invitations to meet up, ensuring me how compatible we seem from what they read on the blog. These guys are actually really good about saying “okay, well take care” and only tend to write back once more but that’s it.
- Email. These are the hard-core cyber pickup artists in my opinion. Well, to be fair, some of the guys who have emailed me are more like “private message” guys but there have only been a few of them. The majority of the guys who email me truly insist that we are destined to meet. They reply several or even dozens of times with a sweet little message one time then a long letter about where we can go and what they want to bring to the table with our meeting and our relationship. It’s pretty wild.
With the “Email” guys, I have been too nice at times in continuing to reply to say “thanks but no thanks” and it reached the point with a few of them that I finally had to block them and add their email to a DND feature that catches them in spam, etc. In my book, “NO” means no, whether a woman says it to a man’s face at a bar, or on a date or even in these online worlds of flirtation and private liaisons. I don’t want to feel like the bad guy for having to go back time and again to a guy who doesn’t get the hint so I guess I just need to set up a one reply rule and just leave it at that…even if I feel a bit like a bitch for not replying, I sort of think now as I am writing this post and thinking non-stop about the topic that it’s the best thing I can do.
We all have comfort zones and things we feel right or wrong doing. Well, making plans with people I don’t know just feels wrong to me. On top of that, I’m no dumb blonde and I know perfectly well that 99% of these guys are not actually looking for a spiritual, loving relationship with me. I’m a westerner in India who writes about going out and silly topics like moth balls and rickshaws Hell, if I were an Indian man I’d probably give it a go too but I’m not, I’m me… love it or leave me!
XOXO Angela
Geez.. do they actually do that… !! . Fun reading ur posts as always.
TC.
hahaha… yeah well, I guess I should could my blessings I’m not receiving anything worse than pics of them in the shower 🙂 Thanks for your sweet comment.
Hey Angela,
Lately your blog is filled up with ranting on men, surrounding and so on. Anyways, it’s just an observation.
Ok now back to your blog. Yep, online dating started few years ago and now FB/G+/Twitter made it much more worse. I have a feeling that in a few years, people will get married online and live their lives just exchanging moment through the social networks.
People are different when they deal with a person face-to-face and otherwise. Most of those guys that e-mails you wouldn’t have courage to meet you and do the same. Probably some of the guys must have been the ones you’ve already said NO somewhere.
For example, I type a lot on e-mails, social networks and so on, but in person am entirely the opposite. I won’t even bother approaching a stranger.
Such mails won’t stop in a while and I guess you just have to add filters on your e-mail client so that it automatically forwards e-mails with such phrases to junk.
Btw… how is your daughter adapting Bangalore/India?
Anyhow, nice reading… keep it up.
Adios Amigo.
Am I really ranting about men? Noooo 🙁 Hmm, going to go back and see what my past few blog posts were about 🙂 My daughter is loving Bangalore and the new school so … so far so good, fingers crossed it statys that way. As always, thanks for the kind words and for posting a fun comment. Hasta la proxima!!
well, men being one of them, almost in couple of blogs lately 🙂 it ain’t a complaint, just an observation & so relax 🙂
ah! kids love India and adjust well…
cheers!
Hahaha, Et tu? I wonder whether you had the delightful experience of Orkut phenomenon. It defined the rules for the online propositions, especially in India. It was the pre-facebook era which wasn’t that long back.
Being a single male and open to technological advancement in the dating ritual, I find a lot of advantages in the online business of prospecting. It has a broader reach than a normal singles bar and you can filter down your key target audience to suit your personal preferences without even uttering a single word. Of course, you do come across a lot of weirdos (unrelenting suitors) and people who assume that the response NO is as flexible as a gymnast, but that is the nature of the social media, everyone wants to get a bit too social and tones seem to travel less efficiently through an e-mail or a message. 😀
I actually giggled out loud reading that! So have you had any luck with your online quest…you are still single but has it worked in the past for you? Please keep reading and commenting, –angela
Angela,
OMG!! I’m so embarrassed, rite now…
Yeah! I wrote you an email too…That was a mistake, Wasn’t it?… I don’t know! But I’m sure as hell that I’ve had NO intentions of hitting on you!
My email was a collective outcome from reading your blog posts frequently, the summary of your professional experience on LI and you’re crazy writing skills & self-marketing abilities…[Oh Yeah! You’re Popular.. :)]
The point is – As a fellow Sales & Marketing Professional, It was sort of a professional approach to networking with you! or Whateverrr…
I’m sorry, If my email gave you the wrong impression…and Yeah! With all due respect – You were indeed being a bitch by not writing back. [;-) ]
I’m a little Upset – because I wrote you an email. Confused -because I don’t know If my approach was that sleazy to give you the wrong impression & totally Embarrassed – because what can I say – “Email; These are the hard-core cyber pickup artists in my opinion.” You said it…!! [:-O]
I don’t know, if or whether what I’m about to say is a cliché in Hollywood or Barcelona…Nonetheless, I mean it & I’m gonna say it out loud – Sighs!…. I respect woman! And I respect older women a lot more.
No offense, dude! To me, you are an ‘older women’. With a lot younger & partying spirit, though! I like that! [:)]
Btw, I am a lot younger than you! Not to mention – I’m 24yrs Old…About My picture – Haha! I’m kind of a Show Off. You can find plenty of my pictures online and yeah, some are shirtless too…. [:D]
Thanks for the post, anyways!
Respectfully,
Ahmed
OMG I am a bitch! I remember receiving it too (for the pic more than the content), it was just before I hopped on a flight and returned to Bangalore after 1 month in Barcelona. I was super busy and then distracted. Hope you’ll forgive me. Anyway, you just made me think that I need to go back through my inbox and see what else I’ve neglected 🙁 Sorry about that… I did just try to accept the LinkedIn invite but the link didn’t work. Ummm, thanks for the “older woman” comment…I turn 41 in a week and am really not excited about that so no offense taken. And just FYI…younger is almost always better than older in my book 😉
No worries! I’m Cool… 🙂
I look like a model, don’t I?? lol…
I’m glad you’re back! Hope you are enjoying your new role as a Head of Marketing. There’s so much value you could add with your credibility to your new organization. Which I’m sure – You will…l!! 🙂
I’ll try and send the LI invite again… Oh and Yeah! I’m looking forward to your birthday party invite! 😉 One more week, eh?
Cheers,
Ahmed
Argh, yeah….one week. I’m not happy about it but plan to party like a rock star just the same 🙂
Nice!! Maybe you could line up a few virtual shots of Cabo for me too….
Have a blast! 🙂
😀 That was the purpose of the comment. I was pointing out the humor in the system. You didn’t take me seriously, did you?
I am dreadful at the whole dating game, on and offline. I do not have a sense of clarity on what my “type” is, even after years of dating a stream of distinctly different personalities. However, I did keep an open mind to women who approached me online(after the usual screening for stalker/fatal attraction kind of a persona) and most of them turn out to be normal individuals acclimated to standard societal norms. But personally I prefer the charm of wooing a woman in person rather typing 🙂 faces over the internet, old school romantic and all that jazz….
Yes, I got it 🙂 I love that you were approached by women, I didn’t see that coming. Although a buddy of mine, an good looking guy from Canada, was recently sent a beer by an Indian girl while we were out for happy hour. I loved that! Women are bolder here than what I imagined, it’s fab!
Hey,,, interesting article.
You may have something there with the “workshops for men on how to approach women” 😀
I think it’s worth a shot.
-Vikram
Hey Vikram, I was thinking about that last night too … wonder how to start that up actually??? Hmmmmm….. Thanks, A
Here’s a suggestion… maybe you can device a questionnaire (say about 3-5 questions max) aimed at all your male readers asking them about their ideas towards using a one-liner to pick-up women. That would give you a fair idea of the kind of audience you’re dealing with and could also provide you wi9th some basic material to write about.
If nothing else, it could give you a few things to laugh about 😉
P.S: Plz count me out… i like to make a woman do the hard work for a change :-p
whats wrong with that, flirting natural mans behaviour right??.
Making attempt is mans duty. obliging favourablle or refusing it woman’s perrogative.
tell me one honestly one thing , don’t you miss mans company.
Hi, there’s nothing wrong with flirting…but put yourself in my shoes for a minute. Honestly try to think of being on the receiving end of 2-3 requests per day online by Indian men to hook up… and an average of 1-2 each time I leave my group and walk up to the bar to buy a drink or go to the restroom, etc. when I’m out. Might seem cool at the beginning but trust me you’d start to wish it would stop too.
I’m happy to answer your question honestly….I assume you mean do I miss a man’s company as in a full time relationship? Sometimes. I do get lonely sometimes and do I miss having someone to share the details of my day with. But I’m in no hurry to meet anyone and my Mom has always said “when it’s supposed to happen, it’ll happen” so I just assume that eventurally I’ll meet Mr. Right as I’m living my life when the time is right….but it definitely won’t be online. And at the moment I’m having so much fun that I hope I don’t meet him for a good long while 🙂
wish you all the best. hope you meet your prince soon
Thanks….. I hope I don’t but I appreciate the sentiment VB 🙂
another new type of marriage is MISSED CALL marriage boy (sometimes even girls) give a missed call and then love happens through phone for long….if its succesfull two-three personal meetings. and then marriage!!!!!!!!!!! LOLS
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